wax paper

tom cut my hair today

i needed it badly

went to high school with tom

got in without a hitch

saw sarah

got a nice warm affectionate spinning hug

damn i love those!

i like it when people are glad to see me

hasnt happened that much recently

talked to r.t.

had a nice conversation, showed him some of my web page

gave me & tom some advice on raising money for films

might try it out

christine helped me dye my hair blue

didnt come out too well cause my hair is so dark

but i tried

hasnt been dyed for about 3 years

the beth saga continues...

hung with alan

at dennys

i wouldnt have gone if he hadnt suggested it

talked to alan

about the whole mess

let him read my page, as well as the paper journal

had stuff to say

advice

suggesting that i have to make a decision

between stew & beth

but i dont have enough information yet

i asked beth to call me tomorrow

so i can try to figure out whats going on (the thing stew said about beth & i being over)

need to know her take on things

before i can talk to stew

if stew would read my journal i think itd help

that he thinks i took advantage of beth

that i played a mind game

to get into her pants

if hed read my pages...hed realize that

thats not true

things happened

thats all im gonna say, cause i think ive argued the point to death

alan feels he should help

smooth the troubles out

between stew & i

hes going to try to talk to stew tomorrow

alan thinks stew is being immature & childish about the whole thing

that hes shafting a good friend

over a woman

i agree with alan

but i know how stew feels

ive been through it more times than i can count

once i get more info

im going to try to talk to stew about this

i dont like it, the way things are

i feel like my life is a soap opera, and im the character thats going to be killed off

its so messed up, but none of us have the balls to openly discuss it

makes me sick

im willing to discuss it

but i cant start the discussion

im not an initiative-taker

but

it has to be done soon

before its too late

alan made an observation

on the way i view relationships & happiness & my life

i hinge all my happiness

on one person

because i dont feel that im a good person

by myself

and he said

to take time to become comfortable by myself

funny

before beth & started

i kinda got to that point

i was enjoying my life

my friends

but i think i fucked everything up

by going after beth

but it was mutual

this has got to be the most confusing

relationship ive ever had

thats why i have to talk to beth

im writing in circles

the plan?

talk to beth

see if theres a relationship

and if so, how to make it better

i think thats what i want

and somehow

get stew to accept it

tall order

right now it looks impossible

so, what do i want?

i want to continue seeing beth

and i want stew to accept it

what will happen?

i dont know

i wont know, unless tomorrow works out the way id like it to

but i wont spend anymore time writing about it

i hate second-guessing

and youre probably sick of reading me bitch about it

ive gotta stop doing these nocturnal hours...