somber turkey thanksgiving.  time of family & warmth.  and all i can think of is my family back east. dont get me wrong, i dont hate my parents.  but i dont exactly love them either.  at some crucial point in my past, they werent there for me.  and i never relied on them for much since.  yes, i live off them, but thats because they never refused the offer of food\home\etc. what if they do refuse?  id find a way to survive, i always do, but always at the last minute... anyway my family back east everyone from our little toys r us\dennys clan. theyve been my family.  for maybe 3 years.  and now im stuck here in the middle of god-damned nowhere, surrounded by crackers & hicks, intelligent minds few and far between.  maybe its my ego that prevents me from finding good friends out here.  maybe its fear of change. i do know this; i havent adjusted from coffee at night to beer. at least, not alone. i tried an experiment last night; i went to the buffalo alone.  the place was fucking packed.  and i remembered something; i hate being surrounded by people i dont know.  the only person i knew was tom (derricks best friend).  he was working behind the bar.  commented on how nuts it was that night, got me a killeans (which i payed for), hell, even lit my cigerette for me.  but i could barely hear him.  and he was working. went to big muddys after i finished the beer.  had another killeans in total social isolation. i cant drink alone. i dont know what or why i was doing it. i guess i needed to prove to myself that i do need human companionship. without it, id stay indoors all the time. but theres no one here i truely feel comfortable spending a great deal of time with. sure i go to bruders a lot, talk to nate, play various card games but its not the same when no one has to work. i miss dennys, and the coffee-club-culture family that nurtured me through my formative days. and throwing all that away cause i didnt plan ahead... it hurts. i want to move back to new york.  more than anything. or at least, get someone to move out here. so i have someone to talk to, to be in the physical presense of to feel like i do exist, and am important to someone. not because im related, but because they like me for who i am. i will be returning to upstate new york soon. and i know leaving then will be more painful than it was when i moved. cause now ive loved and lost, and im going back to my home. and its going to be taken away again. thanksgiving, time for family. and my family is half a country away.