ive been gettin lazy
writing the bare bones text with a text editor, and letting netscape do the html code for me.
im such a lazy sod
it wasnt always like this. the original pages i coded by myself. but then i upgraded from netscape 2 to netscape 3 gold. im such a lazy sod
its 7:10am
guess who showed up at dennys tonight/last night/whatever...
sarah
the most recent ex
i havent talked about her yet...and i dont feel like it
let me put it this way; she broke my heart. but i let it happen
anyway, she was mad cause i havent talked to her for oh...3 months?
and i didnt return her call when she left a message on my machine wishing me a happy birthday on the 15th. the friends that stayed after the bash (12am dec 15th) and i were all asleep. i was sort of awake when i heard the message. i went right back to sleep.
anyway, she was kinda sad that i didnt call her or try to do anything with her. i explained that its because ive never been able to talk to or even see my ex's. i feel uncomfortable around them.
funy thing though
because sarah broke my heart,
i was actually able to become good friends with jenn
the pain & anguish i went through over sarah burnt off the residual bad feelings i had about jenn
as i was saying, i told her that. and she talked to me, was nice, i said if i wasnt busy tomorrow that we could maybe hang out, id show her my pages. i gave her a ride home and got a hug. i love hugs. lose all the worries and weight of the world in one warm embrace. better than sex...sometimes.
so if things work out (thats another story) she'll be reading this. oh well, its on the web for all to read, so what the hell.
it was odd
i was paging through my old-school low-tech paper journal today. i kept it pretty much from when sarah and i broke up (September 20th) till about the middle of november. the entries got few & far between, i had run out of things to say. but i did come across this little passage from December 11th...
we all have sexual needs, its centuries of religous values that make us this that sexual desire is bad. its part of human nature, the need to reproduce. thats why sex is linked to the pleasure centres of the brain. survival and procreation are hard-wired into the genetic code of all life. why suppress it then? humans do. thats the problem of being emotionally aware. afraid of hurting others.
theres actually a lot of neat stuff in the old journal. ill try to read more of it...its hard to though because i was really upset for a long time. but i think theres some keen insights into the definition of a relationship. or at least my definition of a relationship.
i have no plans for the last night of 1996
the key to all pain
in my love life
is this
because of the influence of tv & movies
i think that true love exists
you meet someone
and live happily ever after
such bullshit. but i still believe in it
12/30/96
reminds me of a conversation i had with jenn. we were together for about 4 years, depends on who you ask (2 years steady, two years shaky. she dumped me btw) she said that i need a lot of support in a relationship. how true.
"the light that burns twice as brightly lasts half as long"
nice summation of my relationships after jenn
little things that move fast and burn out
and the flames hurt
more than they should
i wish i could just not care
but the bullshit barriers
fell apart a while ago
okai now im just getting depressing. i think ill close for now, seeing as how i do need SOME sleep for tonight...
theres a big colossal joke
that i dont get
but everyone else
is laughing at it
12/31/96
12/31/96