waxing philosophical

hes being a real ass today. i dont know why. hes pissed off at me. why?

thats why. why cant he just let me live my life the way i see fit? he is NOT my father. i wonder if he realizes that hes become this way. it started when both my parents were away for a month. he felt he had to take care of me, cause i was really sick with the dreaded pink eye for so long (over a month and still bugging me). but i dont think he understands quite what pink eye is like for me. he got pissed cause he thought i was milking the illness so i wouldnt have to work. no.

how am i supposed to work like that? i need my vision to get to work, to work, and to get home from work. plus, i wear contacts. i have horrible eyesight. my glasses are very thick and i hate wearing them. the contacts kept the infection in my eyes. and me, being all vain, refused to wear my glasses for the longest time. no, not vanity...fear. the thick glasses were a common point of ridicule in grade school. i have an aversion to ever going through that again. but i relented, because, well, i ran out of money, bounced two checks twice, and i need to work. but work hates me now. im scheduled one day a week. and i owe creditors $140 something. i have just enough money in my checking account to cover the check i wrote to my credit card company to pay my bill thats two payments late. well, not anymore. i spent about $20 more than i should have yesterday. bought a motorized AT-AT toy, another pack of parliament 100's, and a six of molson ice. i wish i could control my spending...and i owe tom $15. but jenn said shes giving me $60 for birthday & xmas to pay my bills with, christine owes me $12 for the wine coolers i bought for her. credit card bill problem solved, but i still need $140 for creditors before vinnie comes over to break my knees. hmph.

and my brother is being an asshole today. nothing i seem to do ever meets the expectations hes inposed on me. he expects me to be able to do everything he does. but he doesnt realize, I AM NOT HIM. HE IS NOT ME.  WE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

i wish hed just ease off. i need breathing room. i dont want to come home and have him all pissed off at me, when im just being who i think i am. i am not very sure as to who i am, and with him continually pressuring me to be his clone, i panic and stop doing everything. i dont know.