I am often asked how I ended up in iowa so now I sit here in iowan boredom and attempt to piece together the events that led up to the year of darkness all the way through to the year I escape and return to my rightful place. it all started in the summer of  96, when I was seeing beautiful sweet & young sarah.  my parents informed me that they would be moving within a year.  away from brown & holy east that became my fatherland, since I had lived here for all intents and purposes, my life; those first two years of existence in southern california do not spark any memories, all I can think of is upstate new york.  I took my parents news in stride and continued in my failed and useless life, working bizarre hours for the giraffe and wasting money on foolish endeavors.  august sarah dumps me, and I enter a three month no-mans-land of nothinginess; locked myself away for a few weeks seeing no one for I was hurt because this is the reaction that I always have when the woman who becomes the centre of my life says oops sorry I didnt love you anyway lets be friends?  tom bless his good heart tried to help me but at that point I get like the wounded cat; keep away from me I want to heal myself.  sweat and strain and slog through, come december I get a bad eye infection cant see any level of light out of work for whole christmas season that is 75% of the stores business for the year and I hook up with coworker beth, whom best friend stew has/had obsession with and ended up really hurting him bad and the sad part was I was only with beth for a week cause she had to go back to ugly abusive selfish boyfriend because hes "so sad" that she left him (for good reason; he hits her and verbally abuses her) but for a week of sexual ecstacy; the first sex I had in a good year, I hurt stew big time, and I still wish to god I knew what I was doing to him for I hate hurting people, especially those that like and care about me, he says its water under the bridge but I know there will always be that rift between us although its not too obvious anymore.  january I meet rhiannon (any mention of the name sends me spinning into a maelstrom of dark emotions for she hurt me like no other before and, I hope, since) who shows concern over my lament at hurting stew.  end up hanging with her a lot not too much time to see tom and stew although I do not know why, maybe I was enthralled by some woman I dont even know seeming to care for me cause I dont see that happening a lot.  many nights at her mothers apartment with other new friend trevor and her younger sister, cool & mature 15 year old angelina, getting drunk and falling asleep in huge bed of rhiannon in shared sister bedroom.  minor flirting between myself and rhiannon and trevor and angie hook up for a little while, come mid february rhiannon and I are the proverbial item after an odd conversation where we both admit we have the hots for each other but I think it was only lust and not true connectedness.  father moved to iowa ge switchgear plant (management) in december and mother left in march, house emptied and I move in with rhiannon (brother got an apartment for himself) and I live with this woman whom I thought I loved; we had made plans to get an apartment for her I and trevor as soon as we have money but as soon as I move in and live out the fantasy ive had all my life; live with girlfriend, plans for apartment fade.  best sex of my entire life to this point, she was someone that had done all things that I would like to have tried and we tried it all, many nights of such pleasure I cannot even begin to describe, so everything sweet and good and perfect until suddenly rhiannon avoids me for a week; how is that possible if I live with?  and after the week of no-show I sit late one night waiting for her to get home so I can deliver her an ultimatum "either you start actually talking to me or im leaving" and she says "we have to talk" and we sit down on couch and talk; she gives the always-super-death-painful friends speech and I sit there staring at carpet floor dumbfounded because this is my only home now and suddenly I have NOWHERE to go really for I dont plan ahead too well.  I try to get her to change her mind but no she "gets to a certain point" in a relationship cant go on I try to tell her hey if you have this problem maybe you should face it head on im willing but no she made up her mind, use me then throw me away but I cant blame her she was married at 18 then left husband at 19 because he lied but I dont see why I should be blamed for actions of male I do not even know but I give up and sleep next to her in horror and pain next day it rained like never before, I sit crying outside on back porch and then call parents in iowa, barely remaining coherent as I draw in ragged breaths between sobs and make plans to have airplane ride in two weeks, I pack up my shit from home that I realize was never mine and live with brother.  two weeks sleeping on his kitchen floor like some abused pet, I work at store and go straight back to brothers pad for I do not want to go to coffeeshop cause rhiannon would be there and id lose all composure and I hate doing that in public so I barely see bestest friend tom.  two weeks rolls by with pain slowness and I board that plane and watch holy brown upstate new york roll away underneath, barely keeping tears away by thinking of plane switchover in ohare airport, arrive in iowa carless jobless penniless friendless; I dont connect with my family too well, and begin my life anew.  hang out at downtown coffeeshop, car arrives a few days after I do, and meet nate mccullough, stoner my own age.  we go out a few times drinking with what little money I have left then I get job at library, for working in a library was my first job, and meet kari and amanda and mitch, all younger than me by varying degrees but mitch and I hit it off rather well hes 16 and much like myself at that age and looks like amalgam of two high school friends, we share simpsons lines and try to crack each other up at work.  eventually I make more contacts in this spiritual death capital of the world that is burlington iowa, specifically derric wagner, my brother that I never knew was around until recent for we share a couple of same experiences.  I read On The Road for stew got me interested in kerouac and it changes my outlook I want to roam the earth now but I dont make that much money.  hang with derric and nate until whoom nate decides to move to new mexico and leave his job at coffeeshop partly owned by his father, and justin takes over and after a while I get connected to justin we go out quite a bit, sometimes with derric.  and that is how it stands now im taking spring break and travelling by bus to tom & stew & tristans apartment in schenectady for I have found my calling in writing beat poetry and must discuss with stew the finer points of this literary form and share wine and beer and sweet words and maybe ill find a woman again for some one time late night groping sex experience for its been a good while since I felt that warm female flesh against my body, and eventually may will roll around and I take my road trip driving from iowa to new york and live with three friends in schenectady the town more fun to spell than anything else, but we shall see.