Kinetic Umbrella, LTD. Quantity, not Quality.

A long time ago, in a high school far, far away...

Kinetic Umbrella, Limited is a film company. Sort of. The name comes from something I think I overheard in high school physics class, from one of my classmates on the other end of the room. Somehow, it stuck in my head. In 1993 I took a film/video course in high school. I decided that I love making films, and that I should have a production company. The name I came up with was, "Flogging the Partially Digested Spam Production". And it remained that for the rest of the school year. Only three films were made under that company, "Mad Mike", "The Adventures of Max and Regis in The Invaders", and the infamous "Flying Stilettos of Death 2". After that, I renamed my company to Kinetic Umbrella. The Limited didn't come into being until about 96-97, the reasoning being that if Lucasarts is Limited, then so am I. Limited, but not run by one man. My cofounder/co-ceo/machoman is Tom. And our other major player is Stew. The following is a review of all the films I've made that I can remember. If I missed anything let me know. Open up a bottle of merlot and salut!, enjoy my films!

So, what do you have to show for yourself?

The Flying Stilettos of Death Technically, not one of my productions, but it did start everything. This film was the brainchild of two men I haven't seen in a long time, William J. Clancy and Edward Lester LaChance. They came up with this typical high school film story; a sharp metal thing, called a stiletto, kills people. Then a crack military team of Black Berets move in and get themselves slaughtered by the stiletto, but not before calling in an air strike which destroys the object that is "pure evil, in a metal form!". The stiletto itself was constructed of cardboard, wooden dowels, and a tinfoil "skin". The original prop, battered but not bowed, is (presumably) in the posession of Ed LaChance. Memorable moments:

A cameo by yours truly, the first victim to be killed by a stiletto.

The first use of "Stiletto-Cam", placing the stiletto underneath the camera and running towards people

hazy plot and obscure, irrelevant dialogue; a stiletto film trademark

stock footage of an RAF air raid from Doctor Who, supplied by myself. (The episode was "Seeds of Death")

Memoirs of the Traveler I hate this film. It was my first, made for film/video class. I got an A on it, naturally, but I HATE it. All copies (I hope) have been destroyed. Memorable moments:

None, save for the intense dislike I have for it.

And I first learned how to use a dual shuttle jog JVC editor while editing.

Mad Mike The Road Warrior The second (and much better) film I made for film/video. Camera slowly pans across a very messy bedroom to the strains of Also Sprach Zarathrusta (2001 theme) while an alarm clock goes off. I'm late for school! I dash out to my brother and his Jeep, who proceeds to drive me to school. SUddenly we're attacked by stock footage of car & motorcycle based mauraders from "Road Warrior", and, after cleverly getting away from them through editing, we face a bump, then I get dropped off at school. Memorable Moments:

Use of the soundtrack from The Road Warrior help heal the glaring discontinuity of a Jeep transforming into Mad Max's vehicle and back

First appearance of my brother Mike in my films

A specific shot of the Jeep peeling out which later became stock footage, appearing in "The Adventures of Max & Regis In The Invaders"

A little peek into my life, circa 1993

The Flying Stilettos of Death 2 This was THE one, baby. The first real (and real long) film I made with Tom. The year; 2012. The place; The Clifton Park Nuclear Missile Base. General Dutch (Tom) and Private Parts (Doug Harple) are hungry from monitoring all those wacky nuclear powers around the good ol' US of A. Parts asks if he can order some pizza. Dutch tells him to "push that button", and, due to an oversite by the military for calling the order to launch all missiles "OPERATION PIZZA", World War III starts. Dutch then strangles Parts. A year or so later, the entire planet is irradiated. Dutch is monitoring radiation levels when he gets a call from another survivor in the base; "We've found a stiletto in storage bay 4. Should we test it for radiation?". Dutch informs the lackey to use the Gamma Distributor, but to be careful. A mysterious stranger (me) walks up to Dutch and says "Hi!". Dutch immediatly thrusts him inside the building, warning him of radiation levels. The stranger (who is called the Traveler in the end credits) informs him that Gamma Radiation causes the stilettos to thrive and multiply, which they do. The stilettos are killing off the survivors of the human race! After consulting with an android (Scott Smail), Dutch and Traveler must use the Genesis Torpedo from Earth orbit to bring the radiation levels down, thereby destroying the stilettos, and making Earth "more beautiful than Earth was before." Traveler says its a real dung-heap right now. Dutch & Trav go to the spaceship launch bay and fly into space, blow up a Giant Stiletto on the far side of the moon, link the two ships, and fire the torpedo. Ta-da, the Earth is saved, and its time to return. Dutch tells Trav to "push that button", and the two are last seen hurtling off into deep space. Memorable moments:

The mispelling of stilettos in the title sequence; "stilletos"

Use of stock footage (actually stock milage) from Damnation Alley starring George "A-Team leader Hannibal" Peppard (he got credit for his cameo!) and Star Trek II (the genesis torpedo), and stock music from The Prisoner, Battlestar Galactica, Terminator 2, and, for no reason, MASH.

THe first appearance of "StilettoVision", a step up in technology from StilettoCam. To get technical, it was; footage shot with a fisheye lens on the camera, the camera on a dolly (cart), picture-on-picture of the same footage, the larger image being slightly digitized, a red tint, and crosshairs moved in realtime when the stiletto was chasing us

the first use of foley (sound effects). In the scene of the stiletto chasin Dutch and Traveler, Tom and I had to walk so the camera could keep up with us. To create the illusion of running, we rerecorded the audio, with the two of us running in place in the editing room, stamping our feet loudly. Also, the sound of the two ships linking was simply a metal ruler banging against a tv cart (ingenuity!)

Some very good effects that barely get noticed; stilettos drawn on an amiga with deluxe paint iii, animated, and combined with walking shots, and two Scott Smails walking down a hallway (we used a whitescreen <cant afford a bluescreen> to film some footage of scott walking, then added it to other footage of scott walking, so there were two scotts walking next to each other. trust me, you dont notice the effect unless someone tells you about it.

some very bad effects, actually missing effects. when the two scotts were killed, we were going to put in an animation of a stiletto doing the killing. we forgot. i am sorry. we got away with it by saying the stilettos were moving so fast we couldnt see them (yeah right someones gonna believe THAT!)

Hazy plot and obscure, irrelevant dialogue. keeping the stiletto tradition going...

the end credits. among our inspirations; radiation, old man whitherspoon, enrico fermi and his atom bomb, blood, tin foil...the list goes on forever

We won $5 for "Best Special Affect" at the 1993 New York State Youth Media Arts Festival held at Niskayuna High School. got to cut class that day, legally

And finally, the degree of (good natured) embarassment Tom and/or I get when showing this film to others.

The Adventures of Max and Regis In The Invaders This is my best film to date, pity it was made in summer 93. The film contains many references, the most obvious being; Beavis & Butthead, the 60's scifi show The Invaders, and the 60's Batman. Max (Mike) & Regis (me) are watching tv, see a food commercial, and get hungry. Pity, the fridge only has baking soda, and "you can't eat that." The Boys then steal a Jeep, go through the entire Batmobile startup sequence, including flame coming out of the tailpipe as they drive off in search of food. Suddenly, a flying saucer lands right in front of them, blocking the road. Three eerie aliens (my brothers friends Kevin and John, and a friend of a friend, Dave Poe) come out with dangerous looking space-guns. Max & Regis proceed to beat the living snot out of two of them, watching them burst into flames and fade away after they die. With two space-guns, Max & Regis chase the last Invader back into the saucer. Frustrated, Regis kicks his space-gun in disgust. But wait! The gun goes into bomb mode, and with a thunk, lands right next to the saucer. BOOM the saucer is gone, and Max & Regis continue on their quest to quell their hunger. Memorable moments:

the saucer landing; it was a strange hubcap held in front of a whitescreen, but works PERFECTLY with the longshot of the Jeep coming up the road. if you squint, you can see me and my brother waving our arms at the saucer as the Jeep horn blares

The Invaders deaths; I made sure all our Invaders wore black, so i could key out the black and replace it with fire, then did a crossfade onto the same scene without the actor. looks beautiful

reaction shots. very dumb looking stills of me and my brother with very stupid and embarassing expressions on our faces, with equally stupid yells.

sound effects; a laser was my brother whistling, the gun bouncing off the saucer was the tab of a soda can pulled back and let go, bouncing on the can (we can do very convincing metal-on-metal sound effects!)

the end credits. rolling across footage from the original spiderman cartoon, i managed to include the entire ingredients list from cheddar cheese combos.

reuse of The Prisoner in the soundtrack, along with Helmet!

the audience reaction. this film was made for a summer class taught by my film/video teacher, "The Man" Ron Taylor, and shown, along with videos produced by the other students, in front of a live audience. I got applause from when the first credit rolled to the end. I almost cried, it was one of the greatest moments of my life.

not really about or in the movie, but my at-the-time girlfriend kicked me for not introducing her to ron taylor on the night it was shown. sorry jenn!

Rat Trap Rat Trap, Gun Control, and Mousey on Censorship Two video projects done for other classes. The Rat Trap Rat Trap was for language of the media; deisgn a commercial for a rat trap. Mine used Freeze Rays to capture the mouse, then a Xenon Death Ray (TM) destroyed it. Put together with a static shot of a rat trap and some very cheesy animation on an amiga. memorable moments:

my "sellers" voice for the voiceovers, emphasis' on "freeze beams" and "Xenon death ray!"

"HUZZAH!", a cutaway as the Xenon Death Ray (TM) destroyed the mouse, showing the word HUZZAH! and me saying HUZZAH!, cutting back to an empty rat trap. HUZZAH!

The first appearance of the Kinetic Umbrella name, and Daleky, our unofficial spokes-dalek, who says "Kin-et-ic Um-brel-la!" (you have to know what a dalek is to understand, go watch some Doctor Who)

Gun Control was for one of those social issues classes. We had the topic of gun control, so we went all out for this one... Its an episode of COPS! The officer (Greg Huggins) and cameraman (Tom playing missing class-group member Damian) are in "South Central Clifton Park, one of the worst areas in town" and come up to a "crackhouse". Theres a deal going down, so the cop & cameraman run toward the dealer & buyers. OH MY! The Punisher (Josh) is there and kicking ass! A gun battle ensues, resulting in the cameraman being shot. The reality of the sketch comes crashing down as we scamper towards "Damian", realizing the the toy guns used were real guns, fully loaded baby. Josh freaks out, "Im just about to graduate Im not goin' to jail!" and blames our teacher for the mishap, "Its his fault, that damn Vaccaro bastard. Its his fault, this damn final project!". We proceed to hide Damians body, after taking his wallet and shoes, of course, but not the camera. We dont worry about anyone noticing hes missing because he "has no friends" and his parents dont like him. The rest of the film was each members viewpoint on gun control, then the tape ends abruptly. Memorable Moments:

"South Central Clifton Park" became our term for our beloved, maligned, sweet little slice of upstate new york suburbia, Clifton Park. We still use the term "South Central" to this day

The amount of verbal abuse we give towards Damian. He saw the film as an easy way to not do any work, which was fine with us, but since he wasnt there, we made fun of him

Tom's camerawork. Exactly like COPS when they run out of the car with the camera. VERY hard to do without causing vertigo.

Me, with long hair and a Doctor Who t-shirt, buying crack.

Mousey on Censorship was for the same class as above. Basically it showed an example of censoring (the film version of The Terminator, with swear words and Arnold's ass, then a tv version, without his ass and dubbed over swears) and a mention of the beavis & butthead-burned down trailer home incident. The film is narrated by Mousey (voice of Tom), a severed mouse head. Memorable Moments:

Mousey, the severed mouse head. Originally Tom's creation for his rat trap add (there called Choppy), it utilized an animation technique we termed "TapKey". Two frames of animation were made in deluxe paint, one with mouth open, one with mouth closed, and moved realtime with Tom's dialogue. Cheap but effective (tapkey was also used with Daleky). Tom's high-pitched mouse voice always makes me smile.

The tv version of Terminator. I couldn't find a copy taped off tv, so i made my own, editing out arnold's ass, and having Gina Marie, my brothers girlfriend, dub over "fuck you asshole" with "flip you corndog" You have to see it to fully appreciate the glaring voiceover

End credits. The return of Daleky, and the "Munsters" theme on audio.

Post High School Bliss : Films after 1994

How To Smoke A film for Tom's class, the project was to make a how-to video. Scenes of me smoking. Not much else to tell, 'cept I point out that you shouldn't put the lit end in your mouth. The Grenade Launcher Hunter's Club of America Hands-down the funniest film we've done to date. Tom's project was a promotional commercial-video. A while back, he and Davis came up with the Greande Launcher Hunter's Club of America, extreme weapons for an extreme lifestyle. Bubba and Jethro Missouri want YOU to join the GLHA. Act now! You get tons and tons and tons of usefull stuff (including a Pepsi Gotta-Have-It card), subscription to the American Grenadier, one of many fine hats, and a grenade launcher. The commercial ends with us blowing the crap out of a squirrel (and several other animals from Babmi in the process). Memorable Moments:

Me and Tom as hicks. Very convincing, Tom had an accent and I had a real dumb look on my face (not hard to do)

Im drinking motor oil while Tom's talking

Footage from Predator; the team firing huge weapons at stuff, while Tom talks about how todays weapons "do not have adequate firepower" for a "successful hunt" (footage of a marine in a blowed up village with dead bodies around him).

The grenade launcher itself. a piece of pvc tubing glued to a handle painted flat black and stuffed with fireworks. Looks damn good, and I was a little worried about it blowing my hand off

Bambi footage. A shot of happy little animals being "blowed up real good"

Leaves thrown on us after the explosion. perfect editing.

This one STILL makes me laugh my scrawny little ass off.

We Are Controlling Transmission : KinUmb takes on Public (not pubic) Access

Psychometric Psounds I used to intern at Public Access Channel 11 in Schenectady, New York, a small but adequate three camera studio. I had a live call-in show for three months in the summer of 94. I was the host, Davis was my "psychic sidekick". The original premise was to have a live band every week, but it didn't always work. Oh what fun we had.... Memorable Moments:

I had our director, Ben Stone, throw us off the set once. It was so convincing that the band thought it was for real

A staged fight at the beginning of the broadcast between me & Davis, Tom, in full cameraman gear (headphones), comes in to seperate us, then "Please Stand By" came on for like 10 minutes. Some old lady called in, thinking the fight was for real.

Davis assasinating me toward the end of the shows run.

All the callers, in fact, we ruined live call-in programming for the station because of all the weird people we got.

I still had long hair at that time

Kinetic Umbrella Presents My tv/studio class in college. Very bland, I wasn't happy with the restrictions of the class. Memorable Moments:

well, i got to show off our tom servo clone (bob servo) on one show...

The Return of the Stilettos

Stiletto 0 NOTE: THIS ISN'T DONE YET There's more coming soon...