3/12 the scanner is operational now, so i have some new visuals.
these scars on my arm, many ask why.
im not sure why i did it.
they're a good two years old now.
i havent hurt myself since then.
although, lately, these past few days...
the best word for how ive been doing lately is unstable.
mood swings.  extreme lows, brief fits of hyperactivity, and low-level mediocrity most of the time.
my drinking started to increase, so i stopped buying the bottles of wine.
and i cut back on having a beer or three at the cafe when i have a free afternoon.
maybe its stress, i dont know.
theres the open mic poetry thing im hosting at the coffeeshop saturday.
im not nervous about reading, i cant wait.
im nervous about the turnout.
i want a lot of people to be there.
but thats not really whats been bothering me.
something deep in my mind, something is misfiring.
something i thought i had beaten is rearing its ugly head once again.
depression.  suicidal thoughts.  lonliness.  despair.
.
.
. the days go by and i should be getting happier; im going back to upstate new york soon. but im not getting happier. and its not because i dont want to leave iowa; id leave right fucking now if i could. i dont know something has...misaligned. i hope i can prevent it from doing any physical damage. i do not want more scars.