NO, NOT THE MIND PROBE!

y'know, i think i may have resolved my feelings of defeat and self-hate over the end of my romantic relationship with rhiannon

now that i look back on it with a clear perspective, she was the one responsible, i didnt do anything to cause the end

she did apologize, she knew she did the wrong thing. she told me when she decided to call off the romantic part and be just friends again

i didnt really do anything wrong

at least, i didnt do anything directly

it was her fault

this may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me

every time a relationship ends i feel its my fault, i blame myself, because i always put the girlfriends in a position of god-like authority.

what jenn said was right, i dont exist for myself when i get into a relationship, my life becomes the female. she was right

something sarah said to me

a day before i moved to iowa

was that i pick the wrong people

she was right also

i get tangled up with these females

that i really dont have much in common with

and i just sit in the relationship.

after making the whole big first impression, where i basically sell myself as being an interesting and talkative person, i shut down

like my job is done, time to passivly reap the rewards

but relationships dont work like that

theyre a continuing process

i have to realize that

a romantic relationship is like a friendship;

common interests are a key

that way theres always something to talk about

(yes i know physical attraction and lust make up part of it as well, but ive never really had a problem with that)

and every time i go into a relationship

i expect it to be a happily ever after scenario

that we're together, forever, and thats that

reminds me of a lyric from a god lives underwater song

and thats why i always get hurt so badly

when they end

i expect them to be the one

hopefully, this time around

ive learned my lessons

and will act differently

make sure i have common interests

before i think itll last

that means actually dating

and ending relationships when they dont work out

something ive always feared

but i know now...

at least i think i do

so, to the future

may i eventually find

whatever it is im searching for

May 21st, 1997