ive been on sabbatical
but im back
not a lot has happened
and yet
a lot has happened
the media play chick from my dream
never called
so ive forgotten about that
im thinking
that maybe the dream
was just my subconscious trying to give me
something to believe in
to break the feelings of melancholy and malaise
ive been having lately
my mind never expected me to find someone
that matched the description
oh well
got real drunk on friday
started talking to timmy
"timmy, youre a girl, why do women hate me?"
fell asleep around 8pm
woke up 1am
saturday after work
i had a party
rhiannon christine stew tom trevor aaron chris
a good time was had by all
turned out a lot better than i expected
lots of dishes to do afterwards though
psst...ever wonder why im so quiet?
i think its because
im obsessed with being seen a certain way
i always want to have something intelligent and witty to say
i like to be able to construct my words perfectly
before i speak
im paranoid about being seen as an idiot
myabe this stems from my ostracism
or maybe even before that
i want people to accept & respect me
so i have to sound like im witty & intelligent
but i take too long
to form the perfect sentences
so i just keep my mouth shut
until i feel i have something relevant to say
its really bothering me now
but i dont feel like i have anything useful to say
anymore
ive been thinking about my personality faults a lot
this weekend
thats one
another
is my inability
to keep any romantic relationship going
they just seem to crumble away beneath me
am i that boring?
am i so cemented in my rut
that im just not that interesting
except in small bursts?
again, if i wasnt so quiet
maybe things would last
but i dont have any relationship right now
and i dont see any coming soon...
ive been hanging with christine a lot lately
been helping her with her homework
and sometimes doing it for her
and just spending a lot of time with her
i want her to graduate from high school
and go to a real college
i dont want her, or anyone for that matter,
to end up like i am now
im kinda thinking of her as my daughter now 8>
shes one person
that i dont think has ever lost faith in me
and that makes me feel a little better
about myself
talked to sarah today
she called me
i had a nasty hangover from the party
she found my scorpion ear cuff
it fell off her back porch
in may/june
into their woodpile
hung out at sarahs house for maybe 30 minutes
gonna do something with her tomorrow
i dont know what though
im kinda nervous about it
cause i cant think of anything interesting
to do
again, the fear that im boring
.
.
.
i just need to get out more i guess
do stuff
get involved
i was thinking about
joining an RPG group
to do something
with my massive amounts of free time
and meet new people
i need new elements in my life
maybe i should hang with trevor & rhiannon
we barely know each other that well
and while i was having a conversation with rhiannon
while we were both moderatly sloshed
it seems we have a common history
of non-acceptance by peers
and battles with shyness
star wars special edition
opens friday
i have to buy my ticket
tuesday
sarah gave me $5 in gift certificates to the cinema
why is she so nice to me?
sigh
i really wish i could return the favour
but i dont know how
i really wish i could get my life back on track
but it seems like when i have things under control
the whole system breaks down
and crashes onto my head again
but im not losing faith
im going to trod blindly onward
until i get out of my rut
so there!