maelstrom of memories
whirlwinds of thought
its hard to pick out the nuggets of fact to tell the story of today
nothing much happened
uneventfull
but my mind is racing with bizarre theories & observations
I dont know whats going on
beth came to dennys tonight
shes been sick
barely made eye contact with me
I, being a student of non-verbal human interation
am taking that as a sign
that shes ashamed we ever did anything
I dont know why.
because of stew? because of the guilt trip danny is throwing onto her?
I do know one thing
its bothering me
even though it shouldnt
I need to talk to her
ive been putting it off for a while
maybe in trying to preotect myself from disappointment
but I dont think
whatever the truth is will hurt me
might be a psychological defense barrier
I put up after sarah
the more I try to decipher my own actions
the more lost I get
my mind is working overtime right now
fear & paranoia
im slightly drunk
so im getting paranoid
somehow, strange feelings about relationships
and alcohol
cause me to write a lot
and with larger words
and more imagery
than when im sober
I have to stop drinking
its not good
bad feelings go away...
didnt do much today
met tom at the mall around 8pm
had a rather aggressive game of sega ralley
I love that game
the only simulation that comes close to the way I want to drive
fast & with powerslides
I have about $7 left to last me until Friday
I need another job
tomorrow im going up to media play
applying (for the third time)
im going to call them on Sunday
(officemax isnt hiring. I found out by calling)
see if I can get a second job
sometime during the week im going to apply at compusa
and call the next day
I NEED a second job
im in debt $300
and I just blew $5 on a 12 of busch natural ice
I spend maybe $20-30 a week
$18 or so on smokes
$7 or so on coffee
whatever left I buy in petroleum
im barely making ends meet
in fact, im not making ends meet
ive exhausted my auxiliary monetary supply
gods, why am I wasting so much mental effort on the beth saga?
I guess it did mean something to me after all
its the confusion on to how it all just faded away thats bothering me
I thought it was maybe something special
im not depressed now, if youre wondering
I just want to KNOW what went wrong
I want to know why she stopped interacting with me
probably because of stew, but I want to know
in her own words
so I can avoid that, if possible, in the future
I dont know why I get so preoccupied with relationships
when I should be setting up my life for the future
I guess im afraid of being alone
I have friends, yes, and I can make friends
but I cant seem to find someone that I can just be with
im afraid that ill die alone
but im not really afraid of death
its the loneliness that im afraid of
maybe im covering up my insecurities
by thinking I have to love someone
of the fairer sex
I dont know
my thoughts are like butterflies
and someone has a net and a killing jar ready
I didnt mean for this to be depressing, cause im not depressed, just very
confused. I apologize it came across as a depressing entry
i just realized, the modem connect noise has been familiar to me for 5+ years. eerie